HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM

Today is my mom’s birthday. She was not big on birthdays well I should say she was not big on her birthday. When she turned 60 I started using a (?) for her candle she said it made her feel a little bit better. It is so hard to believe she would have been 70 years old today.  I think this is the first year since her passing that I can look at the day remembering her past birthdays and do it with a smile.

Happy Birthday mom you are remembered today and every day and you are loved and missed deeply.

Forgiving Her

Not too long ago I was talking with my mother-in-law we started talking about my mom and how I cannot even talk about her without crying. I told her that my siblings seem to be able to adjust to her being gone and are able to move on in their life. I cannot understand why I’m not able to do the same.  Her answer was such an eye opener. She told me that there are 2 things in the last 3 years that I have not done and until I follow through with these I will continue to have a hard time living without her.

1. I need to stop blaming myself. I need to stop the mental torture with what if I had done this or if I would have done that then maybe she would still be with us.
2. Most of all I need to forgive her for dying.

Hmm forgive her for leaving something I have never considered in the last three years.  So this is me forgiving her.  I know that this cancer was bigger than us and we could not stop it. Mom did try to beat it, but the cancer had too much of a head start on her. I know deep down that she did not want to leave us and she wanted to continue the fight, but she also knew the cancer won and it was time for her to move on.  I’m being selfish thinking she should have stayed and been in the state that she was. That would not of been fair to have ask her to stay knowing what would lay ahead for her. I am sorry mom that in the last 3 years I did not once think of what life would have been like for you living with such an advanced cancer and I only thought of myself and how I would have to live Life Without You.   

Life Without Her

I always say a family is only as strong as the mother. If you think about your family and everything you have been through I'm sure you will see your mom was with you every step of the way.

It is our moms that play a huge part in developing our lives. She teaches your heart how to love, forgive, and how to be compassionate with others. She makes sure that you are safe mentally, physically, and spiritually and most of all she makes sure when it is time to leave the nest that you will fly as high as you want and achieve anything and everything you could ever dream of.

I have started this blog to share my life journey. See three years ago I lost my mom to kidney cancer. It was a shock to our family and she went very quickly. I have spent the last 3 years very upset I have webpages were I talk about how my mom was taken from me. It is time for me to heal and to let her finally rest in peace. My goal over the next year is to blog about my journey, and my LIFE WITHOUT HER. At the end of the year I will ask family and friends to join me with a ceremony of releasing balloons in the final step to let her rest in peace.


I'm sure within the next year there will be sad times along with happy times. So here I go taking the biggest jump of my life. It is time to let the healing begin.